Walking In NY

This is where I live now. Eat your heart out, Leona Helmsley. 

Hi, Daddy. So, I just woke up after my first night in my first NY apartment (full pictorial tour to come) and I decided to walk down the street and get some coffee. On my way, I observed some things about New York-style walking that I think you may find informative. The first of which being- it would be real easy to get hit by a truck here. Or a bus. Or a cab. Or a large black SUV with some super rich guy inside. Many of the streets are very narrow and always lined with parked cars, so logically, people drive down them at 50 miles an hour, minimum. Any less and they would be severely honked at.
This makes walking a full-time job. Oh, I've tried to update my facebook status while crossing the street. Let's just say I felt the cool wind of death on my face and leave it at that.
This is what I've learned about New York pedestrianism so far:

Can you believe I captured yet another pair of hideously colored man pants? 

1) You cannot blindly follow the people walking in front of you.
The people walking in front of you are from Akron. They don't know how to walk properly in this town. They'll look the wrong way up a one-way street and then boldly cross against the light, never hearing that crosstown bus gliding up behind them. They're too busy arguing about where the real Soup Nazi restaurant is. It's tempting to glom onto the back of these groups because then you can text and not look up for blocks. Problem is, they'll clear that crosswalk safely like so many mid-western Mr. Magoo's and you'll be the dangler that eats lunch at the Yellow Cab Grill.

2) You can jaywalk...if you know how.
Real New Yorkers do it all the time. And they do it well and with panache. It's all about timing, anticipating correctly and knowing how to interpret signals. Kinda like being a shortstop, but with no mitt. And the ball is a car.

3) IPods are a bad idea for beginners. 
This one's obvious. If you're blasting Jay-Z, you'll never hear that lifesaving "toot-toot" the speeding white van with no license plates is so generously providing for you.

4) People who ride bikes here are psychotic.
There's a book called Cab Driver Wisdom which is a collection of things the author's heard NY cab drivers say over the years. The best quote in there is, "Bike messengers--they search for death."
You have to constantly be on the lookout for these lunatics. They believe themselves to be above traffic lights and they're not easy to see coming. They're like goddamn ninjas. I just had a near miss with one crossing at 42nd and 10th. Well, we were about 6 feet away from each other, but still! If I'd been walking any faster or he'd been riding any slower, I'd have a handlebar embedded in my forehead right now. Don't think I don't know this, Dad. Don't think it didn't convince me that God is watching me...from a distance.

5) In general, never give anyone the benefit of the doubt.
Sure, it sounds cynical but it's a proven fact that cynics live longer than rubes. About to cross the street because that car coming at you has it's blinker on? STAY RIGHT THERE. That blinker's been on since 2003. Maybe that driver is a specialized kind of serial killer who lures you in front of his vehicle with the promise of turning. Then... BAM! Lights out, Louise!
This rule also applies to men standing in dark doorways who ask if they can talk to you for a minute. Yes, there is a chance the two of you could have an enriching conversation about books, but that chance is Slim Whitman. Respect yourself. Make men talk to you for a minute in a well-lit bodega with a security guard standing by. And angle yourself so he's facing the security camera. Better yet, when a strange man on the street requests some light conversation from a dark alley, just give him a dirty look and say, "I'm not talking to you anymore, Jennifer." There is simply no comeback to that.